(Miskatonic University--21st Century Archives) The
Secretive Research Group LLC, (S.R.G.) published anonymous studies today indicating that a new cucumber
species created through genetic engineering can be induced into rapid multiplication when exposed to low levels of electrical
stimulation while soaking in a brine bath. The cucumber species was created when D.N.A. from a healthy rabbit was introduced
into normal cucumber cells. Other unusual variances also occurred, some of which remain undocumented.
Observers at the private presentation noted that one single
cucumber had multiplied into thousands after only a few hours of treatment. With continued 'shock-pickling,' the cloned cucumbers
not only became indigestible, but also duplicated themselves through an asexual budding process until the colony reached a
state of (editor's emphasis) "neural-path equilibrium." Once a critical population level was reached, individual
cucumbers began to exhibit sentient behaviors as long as they remained in close proximity to others from the same
clone group.
Religious leaders, politicians, and various consumer organizations
responded immediately to the presented report with a united outcry to stop further research of this nature, citing a non-binding
legal opinion that it was probably prohibited under the controversial "Defense of Cabbage" act passed by the U.S. Vegetable
Congress in 2001, designed to prevent taxpayer monies from supporting asexual reproduction in plants intended for consumption
by American families.
The anonymous-studies author could not be reached immediately
for response to this opinion. A self-described "lab-assistant" identified only as "Tim" answered the phone at the S.R.G.
and claimed that no further statements would be released until communication had been established with "the hive mind." The
phone line was unexpectedly disconnected, and the number currently remains out of service.
